I am so retarded because all week I have asked for more sleep. I am excited about the 4 day weekend because I can sleep in. But today I don't have to be in until 10:06 am "I know stupid but my job is very strict about time" and I have been up since 6:20am, I don't even have to take Joey to school I am just up because of my darn internal clock. I am thinking about doing my last minute Thanksgiving dinner shopping instead of doing it later. I really do hope everyone have a happy holiday.

I have been struggling with the matters of the heart. Why does "love" or what ever people call it have to be so freak en complicated. I have someone who wants to give me the world and I have jumped on the opportunity. I am going to wait until it is gone to than say I am ready. I tell myself that I am going to be okay but really I don't know. Over all life is okay but in the partner area I don't know how to truly let someone love me. I know how to give my all to my kids, family and even to my true friends. As for another man I am so scared. I don't know if I am not capable of doing it or if I am just to chicken to hurt. Ever since I was a kid I saw marriage as a joke. I never had a image of the white picket fence husband and kids.

What I did see was for myself was good paying job kids and my sister and brother always being around. My parents will never understand how much they effected our lives. As a parent you have dreams for your kids to be healthy, happy, and to never go without. Well that is what I want for my family it is sad that I never got that. I have parents that are living I don't even know if they are healthy, happy or even some what maintaining. They have always done for themselves. I am over needing parents it just sucks that I was never able to have a childhood because mine where selfish. I have been a mother to my siblings since I was 8 yrs old. I would not change it for anything. I am happy with the way they have turned out.

The last time I have heard from my mom is on my birthday. The phone call was not even for me. This is how the talk went "setting it was in Naples, Fl at a condo over seeing the beach" Maria, the kids and I where playing rummy "ironically that is my moms favorite game" and my Maria cell goes off. She hands me the phone it is my mom she tells me Happy birthday "Saunza" asked me how old I was "29" she couldn't believe I was that she thought I was older than less than 2 minutes later asked to talk to Tasia. Happy freak en birthday to me. I had a great trip with my sister the weather was perfect the condo was so nice I wouldn't change that for a thing.

As for Ed "my father" The last time I even heard his voice was over 3 yrs ago 2 weeks before I was about to have my brain surgery. He had said that he was going to come down to Florida and see me the day before my surgery. Never happened he did what his wife wanted who I have never meet. Now he is remarried I will speak on that at a later time. Well he stayed in Orlando instead and never came to see me. I didn't know if I was going to survive or not but he just didn't care obviously. Neither one of parents have meet my daughter :(. My mother has seen my son maybe all together about 3 months out of his life my father saw my son once.

Well I have to jump in the shower heading to the store.....Yeah turkey dinner tomorrow can't wait.